In October 2002, I split up from the love of my life and wife. Not only that, I was torn away from my 3 and 1 year old babies. Over the next 12 months, I was going through the most devastating period in my entire life. Fortunately, I found the strength to make sure that my boys experienced as little of their parents bitterness. In that time, my eldest son, Hamza, could 'feel' my emotions regardless of how well I tried to hide it. You see, he and I have always been very close.
We managed to make as much time for each other when they were with me. For the first time in my life, I got to experience the simple things that I'd not experienced with my own parents. We would always have meals together and make it a fun time. We would have races together on the way to the park; at the park and on the way back. My eldest is very competitive, whilst the younger one is more laid back. We would go swimming together and play games in the pool. I would tell them bed-time stories that I would make up as I would go along. They absolutely loved the stories over any children's books - probably because the heroes were always my two boys.
I'd also make a guest appearance in their story. Their mum would occassionally appear as a damsel in distress or Princess who they'd save from the clutches of the evil people from the dark side!
Even with all this going on, I kept questioning myself if I was a good enough dad. Was I being the best that I could be? Would I be that role model that they deserve? Would I be that superhero that I used to imagine my dad to be? In fact, was I just plainly good enough?
One evening, as my boys were climbing onto their bunk beds, Hamza said something that left me stumped for words (not something that happens to a professional speaker very often!) Whilst on his bunk-bed ladder, he turned his head round and looked me straight in the eyes and said,
"Abu (means 'dad')! You know how we can't always be with each other every day? Well, remember this: wherever I go, you are always in my heart."
I was gob-smacked. He was only four years old at the time. I then realised that, even though I did not teach him those words, I must have done something right in nurturing him to enable him to express his feelings like that. Perhaps, I am an OK dad after all. Maybe even amazing.
Harun Rabbani
Thursday, 28 June 2007
Children with Absent Fathers are More Likely to Offend
The general nature of this blog is to highlight the wonderful experiences created by amazing dads. However, it would be useful to remind ourselves of some of the consequences of NOT being an amazing dad.
Two weeks ago, I delivered a workshop to a group of 22 teenagers. 10 of the participants were considered as disruptive. 9 out of these 10 teenagers are from single parent families and have little contact with their fathers. The 10th one is from a home where he hardly sees his father. That got me thinking about how much of an impact dads have on children - the future of our society.
Here's a few stark facts about children without their dads.
- Children aged 11 to 16 years were 25% more likely to have offended in the last year if they lived in lone-parent families.61
- Young men from lone-parent families were 1.6 times as likely to be persistent offenders as those from two-natural-parent families. The effects of living in lone-parent families seem to operate indirectly, through reduced levels of parental supervision.
In focus group discussions, young people in prisons spoke frequently about disruption in their family lives and about their fathers’ absence. One discussion went as follows:
Interviewer: ‘I’ve just realised we’ve spent the whole time and nobody’s talked about dads.
’Teenager 1: ‘That’s because there’s no dads to talk about!
’Teenager 2: ‘We don’t need dads, at the end of the day a child needs its mum.’
Another young woman said: ‘…where I used to live…it’s like a rough, nasty area and you just see mums with six children, three kids, their boyfriend, not a dad. Kids grow up and they grudge other families…
These are just some of the raw facts about children with absent biological dads. This can apply to dads who are married but are never around. So, if you're a married father, you may just wish to think twice about the role you play as a dad.
Harun Rabbani
Two weeks ago, I delivered a workshop to a group of 22 teenagers. 10 of the participants were considered as disruptive. 9 out of these 10 teenagers are from single parent families and have little contact with their fathers. The 10th one is from a home where he hardly sees his father. That got me thinking about how much of an impact dads have on children - the future of our society.
Here's a few stark facts about children without their dads.
- Children aged 11 to 16 years were 25% more likely to have offended in the last year if they lived in lone-parent families.61
- Young men from lone-parent families were 1.6 times as likely to be persistent offenders as those from two-natural-parent families. The effects of living in lone-parent families seem to operate indirectly, through reduced levels of parental supervision.
In focus group discussions, young people in prisons spoke frequently about disruption in their family lives and about their fathers’ absence. One discussion went as follows:
Interviewer: ‘I’ve just realised we’ve spent the whole time and nobody’s talked about dads.
’Teenager 1: ‘That’s because there’s no dads to talk about!
’Teenager 2: ‘We don’t need dads, at the end of the day a child needs its mum.’
Another young woman said: ‘…where I used to live…it’s like a rough, nasty area and you just see mums with six children, three kids, their boyfriend, not a dad. Kids grow up and they grudge other families…
These are just some of the raw facts about children with absent biological dads. This can apply to dads who are married but are never around. So, if you're a married father, you may just wish to think twice about the role you play as a dad.
Harun Rabbani
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
