I was real excited. My favourite teacher who was also the head of the school, Mr Matthews, was going to be presiding over our class for the mental arithmetic test. We were 10 years old and we thought our Head Teacher was cool. I liked Mr Matthews because he was good at his (stressful) job AND yet he still managed to keep a smile. He also liked me because he could see my potential, expecting me to be nothing less than a doctor when I grew up.
After the test was completed, Mr Matthews went through all the questions and answers with the class. We all did fine except for question 12. That question stumped everyone. Well, everyone bar one clever clogs. Me! When I gave the correct answer, Mr Matthews walked towards my desk with a Cheshire Cat grin and took my workbook to the front of the room to show the class the great example I set. But as quickly his face changed from a smile to bright read with anger. He threw my exercise book halfway across the room towards me...I got the answer right but my method of working out was not what he expected.
In that moment, I went from being joyful with my victory to feeling total humiliation. I hung my head down low in shame and just wished the earth would swallow me up. I couldn't bare to think what the other kids would be thinking or how they'd tease me afterwards.
Although this experience has not left me seeking psychiatric help for the rest of my life, the cumulative effect of feeling shame can be severely traumatic. In order to motivate children, many are told of the various punishments they could receive if they don't behave in a certain way. For example, they would become an outcast; be the black sheep; be damned to hell for behaving a certain way.
The trouble with parents and teachers using shame as a way to motivate their children is that the child develops the victim mentality. They feel their life is being hampered by other people, circumstances and the environment for the much of their adult life. I've seen people stress over 'what other people will say' so much so that they fall ill from shame. And I'm sure you've heard of people have heart attacks from such shame. Honour killings are more than rife in certain communities just because the young adult (often young women and girls) brought shame to their family by dating or eloping against the family's will.
Could I over-emphasise the negative impact of using 'shame' to get your child to take action or stop misbehaving? The consequences of which are usually dire. Needless to say, there are much more empowering ways to motivate your child.
Stay tuned to find out what your alternatives are in the New Story series of blogs.
To your parenting success!
Harun Rabbani
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