How you create your outer world throught your inner reality

Here's a story that will help illustrate how dads can get caught up in a mess when they neglect how they create their own reality. Enjoy.

A client of mine was having the most awful time with his ex-partner. They seemed to be the perfect couple in the first few months of their relationship. However, most of their communication was remote (emails, telephone, etc) due to work and travel commitments. When they were with each other, they had a brilliant time. But they split up soon after they met. The relationship was indeed one of the most short-lived he’d experienced in his life.

However, there was one big challenge facing both of them. Shortly after seeing each other for the last time, his former partner revealede she got pregnant. No matter how much effort was made for reconciliation over the next few months, it became all too apparent that they were not going to be with each other.

Eventually, a beautiful baby girl was born. Both parents were elated. As the father was financially broke, he could not get to see his daughter who lived many thousands of miles away. He spent most of the next few months piecing his life back together but tried his best to stay in touch with his former partner. Unfortunately, over time, she was getting angrier and angrier with him for not 'showing' love to his daughter. He had no clue what she meant nor was she able to explain it so that he could understand.

Communication deteriorated rapidly between the two parents. On one hand, he was pleading to be kept up-to-date with his daughter’s progress. He kept promising her that as soon as it was possible, he would fly over to see the mother and daughter. Nine months passed and still nothing. He was still hand-to-mouth. And given, the state of the economic crisis hitting most of the developed world, his frustration of finding work was turning to despair.

On the other hand, his former partner’s written communication became more and more deriding of the father. Her language became more and more colourful. The man felt he was walking on eggshells. He wanted to call and email regularly, but found it very heart-breaking to connect due to the aggressive nature of her written and spoken word. But then, when he reduced his communications, she would condemn him even more for not caring enough to stay in touch. This was a no-win situation. The real loser was going to be the child no matter what either parents thought of the other.

When my client approached me for guidance, I reminded him that he created his own reality. The only thing he could change was his own inner reality. I asked him to separate the facts from opinions about his situation. He realised that the situation that he is in now was of his own making. His many micro-decisions ultimately led to his outer reality in which he lives.

But all was not lost. If you can create an inner reality that you really prefer not to have, then you can change it to one you prefer to enjoy. When he asked me about how he could change his former partner, I explained he can't. He can only change whether he reacts or whether he reponds to her. Once again, her outer reality is created from her inner world. The good news is that when he transforms himself to the being he chooses, then her world would transform...even if it was by a smidgen!

Harun Rabbani