The pain of worrying what others would say...

When I became a dad for the first time, my own family expected me to be a strict, regimented and temperamental disciplinarian. Much to their surprise, I 'turned' out to be quite the opposite to that. My family based their assumptions of me as a dad based on their experience with our own father. They expected me to be everything that he was.

However, I used my experience as 'market research', as described by Richard Wilkins. My dad taught me many of the ways I should not be a father. For example, he never expressed his love verbally. He was never comfortable with that. But I was quite surprised when once in my adult life, he found it in himself to tell me how much he hated me. To this day, he still 'cannot' express his love.

Why am I telling you this? Because I want to share the biggest research material I got from being a child of my father. His biggest stressor is not related to his health. It's not related to his wealth. It's not related to any physical, mental or emotional disease. However, he does have all these conditions and it stems from his fear of what other people would say.

Let me explain. My dad grew up in a village where he was constantly in survival mode since being orphaned at the age of 8. As a child, he made his way through into his adulthood by literally fighting his way there. In his mind, he had (has) a reputation of being someone that everybody fears. Nobody would dare cross his path. Nobody would dare to speak to him in a 'disrespectul' way to him, i.e. they would never disagree with him.

Indeed he was a very persuasive man. People took heed of him. His older brothers listened to him and did as he would say. His many nephews all feared him as did his younger sisters. All in all, he had a reputation.

However, he could never understand why when everybody obeys him, why none of his children would obey his every order with no question. Unfortunately, my dad lived in a world of fantasy. Whilst he was disgusted with his children and even resented their 'behaviour', we - his children - lived in constant fear of being shouted or being beaten with a stick, sandal or anything that would inflict pain. The higher you were in the age pecking order, the more you were his object of anger and blame. I was the oldest of six.

Yes, for many years I was a very angry child. A very angry young man. I heard about alcholic fathers violating their children. But what was my dad's excuse? The only answer I could find (and still do) was that he was afraid of what would be say about this lion of a man who was a complete whimp with his own children. He couldn't even manage to get his children to listen to him.

The consequences to my siblings and me of my father's fear of what other people would say included being physically and emotionally battered, forced marriage of one of my sisters, me running away from home, emotional scarring and depression. But the worst affected was himself - constant ill health, stress, worry, fear, resetlessness and a sense of isolation and abandonment.

Unfortunately, my father is from a generation where they never need help, advice or support from their own children. In fact, giving any kind of advice to him was one of the most offensive things my siblings or I could do.

So how all this make me a better father? In many ways. In the case of this blog, I want to mention two key learning lessons.

Firstly, you are already a perfect being as you are...spiritually. Your attitude and behaviour is a manifestation of childhood conditioning. If you are perfect, then you are more than capable of raising your child without the interference of do-gooders - usually in the form of 'family' and 'friends'. Let your love for your children and your trust in their perfection be your guide.

Secondly, be very mindful of the words that leave your mouth when you are speaking with your kids. NEVER allow words with low vibrational energy to be uttered by yourself. Using fear and shame words does NOT work. For example, I remember once my dad say to me how much he 'hated me from the time I was 12 years old'. I was not upset. On the contrary, it felt like the bond between the two of us snapped irrepairably for good. Use words of praise and love to express your feelings. They work. They truly do. I know because I use it with my children all the time.

Harun Rabbani